Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Magic Train

Every once in a while, I get an idea to write something and decide to share with the universe rather than with my future self in my journal. So, this is really the merging of two ideas. A few weeks ago, I "wrote" a blog, but I wrote it the old fashioned way and too much time has gone by for me to translate that onto here with as much conviction as it was originally intended. However, today's idea is very similar to my blog-turned-journal entry. So here goes nothing!
Whoa...I just realized that this is my first blog as a 30 year old! Dang, I'm 30 years old! Can I just tell you how awesome it is?? I have found myself over the last 6-8 weeks reflecting on the choices, people and circumstances that have brought me to where I am now. Thinking about how I got back to Amarillo is a CRAZY trip...
At the time, I think I really felt like I was crawling back home with my head as low as my expectations for what my life would be like once I was a full time resident of Amarillo again. I thought I could live here for a while to be close to my family while I waited for the real excitement to begin in my life! In the six years since moving back, quite the opposite has happened. Looking back on the person I was at the age of 24 is almost shocking. I was scared and felt terrible about myself for many reasons, Plus I was extremely overweight. I was lonely and was certain that I would always be lonely. In six years of life, I have completely shattered the shell of a person that I was in MANY WAYS! I have traveled close to 250,000 miles for various reasons since the move to Amarillo. Can I just take this opportunity to remind you that traveling allows you to grow in ways you didn't think possible?! I have made many wonderful amazing friends, friends so fantastic that I just can barely think of enough fabulous adjectives to describe how blessed I am to be a part of their awesome lives. This includes reconnecting to "old" friends, growing fabulous friendships with people who've been there all along and meeting some pretty great new friends as well. This evening for some reason I was thinking about something totally random from sometime in the past six years. I'm sure something similar to the feeling I was thinking of could be found in a journal entry, maybe multiple entries, from the past 6-8 years. Feelings of loneliness, of a deep sense of loneliness because I didn't have that "one person" to whom I could share anything with at anytime and feel no sense of guilt for ranting or raving and consuming someone's free time. I used this sense of loneliness to convince myself that the lack of such a person only intensified my feelings of loneliness. Now, I realize that my feelings are kind of a bunch of nonsense. So I don't have "one person," I have something much better than that. I have "people." People with whom I can share my life story in exchange for them sharing their story with me. People who are too many to name, for fear of forgetting someone or making someone feel unequal because of the order of my list. PEOPLE, FRIENDS, I hope that I can return to you at least 10% of what you've given me.  I've really begun to notice how much I've grown as a person in the past six years. I no longer feel scared about my present, worried about my future or ashamed of my past. All of the choices that I've made have gotten me here, the mistakes and victories have all taught me something. I think I'm rambling, as I often do. I'm not sure what the "point" or "moral" of this entry is....maybe just establishing in the virtual world that I'm doing alright and thanking you fine folks for helping me get here. I really wish I could describe the feeling I had earlier this evening that inspired this entry. I just felt like God has spent the last six years dragging my sorry little butt in a broken red wagon through the mud and now I understand why it had to happen just this way. Although, in my metaphor, I'm not sure that it is very clear what I needed to go through the mud. Maybe the mud fixed the wheel on the wagon....or helped me hide the wagon from the Indians sent to ravage the town that I live in as a sad, helpless widow in the midst of the cruel winter of 1864....
So maybe, I've been reading a lot lately....
Until next time! 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Shall I get you a box?

I am here at Camp, it's a typical Tuesday evening and Day 3 of a 13 day session. I wish I could capture the walk from the office to my cabin for you. For you to understand the inspiration behind my blog you would need the sights, the smells, the sounds something which is impossible to "share" as we do so many other things these days. But I am going to try and describe it to you, hopefully it will bring back a memory or two that you have tucked away somewhere. 
The moon is almost full but very bright. No manufactured flashlight is needed on weeks such as this one, because you have nature's to guide your way. The moon changes the blackness of the sky to a deep "midnight blue" but it also looks like it could be early morning. There's rain somewhere in the distance but the only evidence I have is the soft smell that has to be one of my favorite smells. The sounds include grasshoppers, crickets, rustling of leaves, and every once in a while a voice or two talking in the distance. It could be campers talking as they take one last trip to the bathroom or Counselors letting go of a little late night energy. I almost feel like instead of a stone cabin with AC, I should be walking into a log cabin with a fireplace. There's something very timeless about my walk this evening. I have probably taken a walk similar to this before. There were probably many before me who have taken walks like this and I'm certain, as well as hopeful, that there will be others after me that will take this walk. 

Friday, May 23, 2014

The Dingo May Be Dead

So this year, I'm pretty consistent with my blogging, although completely unintentional, I've written a blog about every two months. So this semester has been the busiest semester of pretty much my whole life! The last few years at school I've taken on more responsibilities and it has been more of a blessing than I could have ever imagined! I am close to wrapping up my 5th year at a job that I took, really out of desperation. I moved back to Amarillo in 2009 with no job or prospective job and after a few interviews with Holy Cross and a job offer in Late July, I was willing to take a large paycut to ensure employment of some kind! Little did I know that job would have the effect on me that it has had! Many of my coworkers have become my closest friends and I know that no matter what the future holds, we will remain friends for many years. The students, although still "typical teenagers" interact with each other in a way that resembles that of a family rather than a school. 
Enough about my school though, I could talk about how awesome HCCA is for a VERY long time. But that is not the purpose of this blog. :) 
I have to say that one of the BIGGEST, most unexpected blessings that I've "uncovered" in my time at Holy Cross is that of my relationship status, or lack there of technically. :) My thoughts, opinions and feelings on that of my "future husband" have varied over the last 29 years of my life! However, at this stage of my life, I am quite certain that his absence at this time has allowed me to experience more than I once dreamed of as a teenager. I was talking to a class early this week and told a few girls "No boyfriend until you graduate!" One of the boys said, "and you still don't have one!" We laughed about it, but then I said, "What good would that do me right now to have one? I have been so busy, I would never see him and we would have just fought about how I never see him." Which is so true! That's one of the BEST parts of my life right now, I'm able to participate in many things relatively guilt free because I'm not "leaving anyone behind." I have been able to explore my options and commit to MANY awesome (and stressful) projects! Which brings me to a complaint I have about other people's reaction to my relationship status. Let me just preface this by making a statement: I am human. As awesome as I've just said things are, I get lonely every once in a while. I am CERTAIN that I'm not alone in my loneliness. In fact, there may be people surrounded by their family reading this blog who feel lonely right now. Loneliness is not aimed at the single people in the world, it is a human characteristic. A few times, while commiserating about said loneliness, a friend (or two) as replied, "Don't worry. Your time will come!" I have to first admit that I believe that I have probably been guilty of saying this a few times, but now I regret it. My response to that, "Why can't my time be now? Why does 'My time' depend on someone else in my life?" Frankly, I'm frustrated! This is not the 1800s anymore! While discussing my future plans with someone during this semester, I was asked about my "plans for marriage," they may have even said "goal of marriage" but I don't think that's something I should wait on or plan on happening! It's not a box on a to do list that you just check off! Now, you may be thinking "Well, this has certainly been written by a bitter old spinster." And I just have to say, "Rude!" Hahaha. No, but really, I have never felt more gratitude for the opportunities that have been placed in my life. I used to say that I was glad to be single, and I just think it took me a while to actually mean it. 
I just have one more thing to add to this: I don't think any of this would be true if it weren't for the AMAZING friends that I have, many of them I'm not even able to see on a regular basis! So thank you friends!  I hope that I have brought you at least half as much happiness as you have brought me!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Popcorn, gibberish and nonsense

So, it's late. It's spring break. I'm not tired and I'm going to regret this in a few hours. Like, I didn't even nap today! But I'll be napping tomorrow! It's been 2014 for three months or so now, so I thought it was time for a blog. It also had been lent for a week now. While we are on random facts, yesterday (Thursday) was the anniversary of the Pope's election and national Popcorn Lover's day! So for lent this year, I'm trying something different. First, I have deleted the Facebook app from my phone. I am trying not to use facebook at all on my phone, but that's not working that great, especially with travel. Otherwise, only my iPad or a computer do I log into my facebook account. I'll be the first to admit that I've  saw that it has been nice to not be overwhelmed by it. I mean, not to sound philosophical but, it has become stressful to be "around" so many people with out actually connecting with those people. I'm working on my connections this lent: with me, God, family, friends, whomever else!!! So in an extension of this resolution, I'm writing letters to one of the 40 people I have on my list everyday and praying for them. It's neat to write to the people on my list, some I have grown disconnected with, while others I see all the time or at least on a regular basis. I've also subscribed to two random lists: #40acts of generosity and what to give up for lent 2014. The 40 acts is fun, lots of random acts of generosity. For example, earlier this week I sent a care package to a friend I thought could use a bit of cheering up. So first, if you're reading this, I probably need your address! I'm also "attempting" to add more daily mass into my week so that mass is just about me and my visit with God, not the people that I will see there! Hoping to carry some of these over to year round activities. I really like doing nice random things for people, all the time, anytime. I need to start doing more random acts of kindness all the time.  
Well, I think I should go to sleep now. I keep typing gibberish. Not sure I can stay awake any longer. Thanks for reading!!! More to come at a date that isn't too late  
until next time! 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

You're it

I have to say that I, like many others, am not sad to see 2013 be put behind us. It brought about many changes and I learned many things, so I do not regret anything I did this year. I was disappointed in others a few times this year, but I'm most proud of the fact that I was not disappointed in myself. This year, I took action, I expressed my thoughts and feelings, I took chances. My family did not have a great year, between my mothers breast cancer diagnosis, Bobby's knee problem and a few other snags. Although I spent more time with family due to these changes so there is light where there is darkness, as they say. I'm still not any good at saying No, but that's just a part of me. And the way I see it, as long as I have the ability, the desire and the opportunity to work hard, why shouldn't I?  2013 also saw more travel, which of course makes me happy, although no international travel. 
So now it is time to focus on the upcoming year, 2014. I have goals and plans but as far as resolutions, I wasn't sure what I was going to do at first. If you have read my blogs before, you know that setting and keeping a resolution is something that I have accomplished many times and enjoy completing. However, with so many upcoming things I wasn't really sure what this years would be. That is, until I had lunch at taco villa today. The cashier was one of those super nice, very friendly employees. She called everyone honey and said god bless you a lot, even when people didn't sneeze. So this nice lady was talking to a couple sitting behind me while I crunched down on my steak fajita taco and one of them asked her what her resolutions are for this year. Her response has inspired me. She said "Last year was a terrible year for me and I made all these plans. So this year, I'm handing it over to The Lord. My plans didn't work at all last year so I'm just going to let The Lord show me what he has in store for me." I think that sounds like a fantastic plan. I guess you could say that means that my resolution this year is "to be more open." I do know that I plan to activate the "Do not disturb" function on my phone a lot more this year, maybe even leave it off or at home a bit more. I have, until recently, felt this...need to be connected to people all the time and to always want to know what they're doing. And I've just discovered that it's just RIDICULOUS and USELESS. Who cares if something happens without me knowing about it. I plan on starting a LOT less conversations with "did you see on facebook....?" Or "I saw on facebook...." Anyways, I still enjoy writing my blogs and I will still carry on conversation via text message or phone call, but don't be surprised if I don't answer or respond as quickly as it has in the past. 
In closing, whatever your resolutions, whatever your reflections on the past year, I hope the upcoming 12 months brings you many blessings, happiness and, of course, some quality time with yours truly. :)